Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
