I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
