I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
