I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
