Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
