Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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