Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
