My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
