Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
