I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you will always have a special place in my vag
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So squirting runs in the family.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
