All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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