he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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