Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
