I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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