that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
