Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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