I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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