Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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