Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
