I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
