Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
