I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
