I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize