just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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