just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
