My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
