All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
