Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
