Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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