I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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