if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Come on in and take your pants off
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