I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
