What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
