im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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