No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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