the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My life is pants optional.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
