You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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