So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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