So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
