Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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