I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
