sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
