Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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