I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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