I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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