Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
