Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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