one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
