i always forget guys have bellybuttons
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I party with great urgency now.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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