I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
