recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Randomize
