oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
