you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
and she was petting her beer can
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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