I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
