Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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