i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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