I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
