I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
