So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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