Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
