so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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