just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
