pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
