Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
