im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I would fuck him just for his dog
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize