we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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