Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
