this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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